Unutterable Geekery: A New Hope
A couple years back, I was watching STAR WARS (Or, if you must, STAR WARS EPISODE IV: A NEW HOPE) and several things became apparent to me. I've since explicated these revelations to a number of other people, and all of them have been persuaded. Now, to help ruin the childhoods of that many more people, I offer for posterity my proof that Princess Leia had sex with both Luke Skywalker and Han Solo after the battle of Yavin.
I realize that this is a controversial position, but I believe the evidence supports it. To prove it, I've provided screencaps (cropped down for size) of the relevant moments. They don't really capture the subtle interplay of body language going on, but they give some idea. For the full effect, watch the movie again. There, now you have an excuse.
So I'm watching the movie for the first time in years, and I realize something about Luke Skywalker. He's obviously a virgin. It's really not subtle at all. Even putting aside the fact that he's always dressed in white, he's got a virgin vibe that has people two star systems away going "I feel a great virgin in the Force..."
So okay, that's fine, he's a virgin; given where he grew up, it'd be surprising if he wasn't. Nothing wrong with that.
So Luke goes and blows up the Death Star, and comes back, shouts "Carrie!" and goes off with Leia, who's got her arms around him and Han.
Now, presumably they're heading off to a victory party with the other Rebels. Their air is celebratory, and c'mon, they just blew up the Death Star. It's Miller time. If you look close in that shot, you can see that Luke's virgin vibe is quite intact.
Then we cut (well, wipe) to the medal ceremony, and my jaw drops in astonishment.
Luke's virgin vibe is gone. His whole walk, his body language, have changed. Just to underline the point, look at them. Han... same outfit. Chewie... same outfit. Luke... suddenly no longer wearing white. That is not a coincidence.
So, fine, Luke got some at the victory party. Good for him. Probably plenty of nice Rebel girls there, I'm sure lots of people got lucky. But then he gets up to the front and he gives Leia this simpering puppy-dog smirk...
OH MY GOD. Skywalker, you dog. Wait, no, maybe this is just Luke being dorky, maybe he's smirking for no reason...
...nope. That's what we call a confirmatory smirk.
So, okay, Luke and Leia got it on. Only creepy if you know they're siblings, which they don't. (Indeed, when STAR WARS was first made, I don't think that was retconned in yet.) Really, it's quite natural that they'd do it, let's all take a deep breath and look at Han, who...
...is also smirking. Good lord. Surely that's just a friendly smile, right? Sure, they're friends.
Nope, that's kind of underlining it.
Leia's clearly more ambivalent about having slept with Han, but that is also a confirmation.
Now at this point, I'm reeling, I can't figure out what the hell happened. Then, after the shot of R2 being all shiny and repaired and everything, there's this inexplicable shot.
An entire shot of Princess Leia looking worried and embarrassed, stuck in there for no apparent reason. If she didn't sleep with Han and Luke, there's no explanation for this shot. Since we know she did, though, that embarrassed look tells me they don't know about each other. That look is her thinking "I'm a professional diplomat, my whole job is not to get into situations like this..."
Now, we can make any number of guesses as to what exactly happened. My own hunch is that Luke got insensibly drunk very quickly at the beginning of the party; he's probably got a low tolerance, and everyone would have been giving him drinks. Leia, disappointed that Luke is apparently off the menu for the evening, shrugs and gives in to Han's tipsy advances. They naturally go back to the Millennium Falcon for this, as Han's a guy who likes to work on his own turf. Afterwards, Han's sound asleep, and Leia wanders back to the dregs of the party, only to discover Luke's woken back up and is telling everyone how much he loves them, especially Leia. Being in an impaired decision-making condition herself, she figures "What the hell" and deflowers the farmboy. The next day, of course, she realizes that both encounters were ill-advised, and there are no repeat performances. Note, however, that at the beginning of Episode V, both Han and Luke believe that Leia secretly favors them over the other guy. No overt textual reason for this belief is given.
I am aware that this reading will be unwelcome to some people, but I maintain that it fits the facts better than the alternatives. Of alternative Star Wars readings, it's less speculative than this excellent one (thanks, John Rogers) and less crazy than this crazy one. I offer it to you in the spirit of fandom, and the belief that if I have to live with this crap in my head, everyone else should suffer with me.
I realize that this is a controversial position, but I believe the evidence supports it. To prove it, I've provided screencaps (cropped down for size) of the relevant moments. They don't really capture the subtle interplay of body language going on, but they give some idea. For the full effect, watch the movie again. There, now you have an excuse.
So I'm watching the movie for the first time in years, and I realize something about Luke Skywalker. He's obviously a virgin. It's really not subtle at all. Even putting aside the fact that he's always dressed in white, he's got a virgin vibe that has people two star systems away going "I feel a great virgin in the Force..."
So okay, that's fine, he's a virgin; given where he grew up, it'd be surprising if he wasn't. Nothing wrong with that.
So Luke goes and blows up the Death Star, and comes back, shouts "Carrie!" and goes off with Leia, who's got her arms around him and Han.
Now, presumably they're heading off to a victory party with the other Rebels. Their air is celebratory, and c'mon, they just blew up the Death Star. It's Miller time. If you look close in that shot, you can see that Luke's virgin vibe is quite intact.
Then we cut (well, wipe) to the medal ceremony, and my jaw drops in astonishment.
Luke's virgin vibe is gone. His whole walk, his body language, have changed. Just to underline the point, look at them. Han... same outfit. Chewie... same outfit. Luke... suddenly no longer wearing white. That is not a coincidence.
So, fine, Luke got some at the victory party. Good for him. Probably plenty of nice Rebel girls there, I'm sure lots of people got lucky. But then he gets up to the front and he gives Leia this simpering puppy-dog smirk...
OH MY GOD. Skywalker, you dog. Wait, no, maybe this is just Luke being dorky, maybe he's smirking for no reason...
...nope. That's what we call a confirmatory smirk.
So, okay, Luke and Leia got it on. Only creepy if you know they're siblings, which they don't. (Indeed, when STAR WARS was first made, I don't think that was retconned in yet.) Really, it's quite natural that they'd do it, let's all take a deep breath and look at Han, who...
...is also smirking. Good lord. Surely that's just a friendly smile, right? Sure, they're friends.
Nope, that's kind of underlining it.
Leia's clearly more ambivalent about having slept with Han, but that is also a confirmation.
Now at this point, I'm reeling, I can't figure out what the hell happened. Then, after the shot of R2 being all shiny and repaired and everything, there's this inexplicable shot.
An entire shot of Princess Leia looking worried and embarrassed, stuck in there for no apparent reason. If she didn't sleep with Han and Luke, there's no explanation for this shot. Since we know she did, though, that embarrassed look tells me they don't know about each other. That look is her thinking "I'm a professional diplomat, my whole job is not to get into situations like this..."
Now, we can make any number of guesses as to what exactly happened. My own hunch is that Luke got insensibly drunk very quickly at the beginning of the party; he's probably got a low tolerance, and everyone would have been giving him drinks. Leia, disappointed that Luke is apparently off the menu for the evening, shrugs and gives in to Han's tipsy advances. They naturally go back to the Millennium Falcon for this, as Han's a guy who likes to work on his own turf. Afterwards, Han's sound asleep, and Leia wanders back to the dregs of the party, only to discover Luke's woken back up and is telling everyone how much he loves them, especially Leia. Being in an impaired decision-making condition herself, she figures "What the hell" and deflowers the farmboy. The next day, of course, she realizes that both encounters were ill-advised, and there are no repeat performances. Note, however, that at the beginning of Episode V, both Han and Luke believe that Leia secretly favors them over the other guy. No overt textual reason for this belief is given.
I am aware that this reading will be unwelcome to some people, but I maintain that it fits the facts better than the alternatives. Of alternative Star Wars readings, it's less speculative than this excellent one (thanks, John Rogers) and less crazy than this crazy one. I offer it to you in the spirit of fandom, and the belief that if I have to live with this crap in my head, everyone else should suffer with me.
And you wonder why people find you creepy.
Posted by
Bunny |
8:49 PM
Definitely an interesting theory, but those screencaps work just as well with unresolved sexual tension as resolved sexual tension (ie, both Luke and Han going, "She wants me. I know it," and Leia going, "They're both cute, but I'm a Princess. I have droids for that.") (To rip off Seth Green's line.)
Then again, who am I to talk? My blog has explanations of what really happened to Skeeter the Muppet, how the Jedi Knights really died out, and what exactly Peter and Mary Jane were getting up to with that webfluid...
Posted by
John Seavey |
4:26 AM
Pardon me, sir. I just happened to pass through from Kung-fu monkey and I must say...
YOU JUST MADE MY FUCKING MONDAY MORNING!
I agree with all you have to say and would like to sign up for your newsletter...
Seriously, that just made my day! I knew Leia was a dirty, dirty girl. Like Jabba the Hutt just had that gold bikini IN HER SIZE just laying around. That was in Her wardrobe just begging for a hideously obese crimelord and an ex-boyfriend in carbonite.
Bravo, sir.
Benticore
Out
Posted by
Aeshema the Fury |
7:38 AM
Go Leia...Go Leia...
Sounds plausible to me. It's what I'd do in her situation. Definitely. And it would be just my luck to find out we were related.
LMAO
Posted by
Sherri |
8:13 AM
Hilarious. I'd always wondered about the beginning of Empire Strikes Back in which Han and Luke are competing for her overtly.
-Adam
Posted by
Adam Fuller |
1:19 PM
Your argument is persuasive, but I agree with john seavey that the smirks could mean unresolved tension as much as "We so did it."
But this much is incontrovertable: Luke was spanking his monkey for at least three years thinking about Leia. Ditto Han (until he actually got with her--whether this happens during Empire or not, and I think it did, is a matter of even more geeky debate). On this point, it strikes me that Leia seems pretty virginal in the "trembling hands" scene in Empire. If so, she never got with Han or Luke in drunken celebration.
The question is: who did Leia masturbate to?
Posted by
Dirk Gently |
1:22 PM
Vader. She masturbated to Vader.
Posted by
Jared |
2:06 PM
Goodness, all of a sudden people like my little blog. Thanks to everyone who's read it, and I'll be sure to post more often.
In response to those who say that the smirks and winks could just as easily represent unfulfilled sexual tension, let me say that I would completely agree... except for two things.
1. Luke's sexual tension has clearly been fulfilled. This isn't something screencaps can really capture; you have to watch the movie and see the overnight change in his body language, manner, and dress. That boy got LAID. This casts his smirks with Leia in a new light, and since she reacts the same to both him and Han, clearly their smirks are on the same level, i.e. "We SO did it last night."
2. There's that weird shot of Leia looking embarrassed. Again, screencaps can't quite show it, but in that shot, she stares off into the distance for a second and her nice formal-ceremony smile fades right off her face. Clearly, she's thinking about an uncomfortable subject. Since this happens right after she's just looked at the two guys, and there's no apparent reason she'd be feeling that way, it suggests some regret about the way she handled things. This, combined with the weird character dynamics at the start of EMPIRE, tells the whole story.
Posted by
Noah Brand |
11:09 PM
ew. creepy.
Posted by
Anonymous |
4:12 PM
Sorry Noah, you got it wrong.
They're all smiling because Leia paid Luke and Han to have sweaty man-sex with each other. She's into that sort of thing :D
Posted by
JerrBear81 |
4:36 PM
I don't really agree with your theory. If Luke's outfit is to signify any type of virginity, I'd say it would be a virginity of not harnessing the force at the beginning to after he used it to destroy the death star. Also, he wore the same old Tatooine "farmer boy," clothes for most of the movie, which yes, were white. He also wore his X-wing uniform which was not, but did not signify anything. Why would they put him in the same old "farmer boy" type clothes at the end? Especially for a somewhat formal event? The outfit change makes perfect sense and probably represents a more grown-up "coming of age" that anything sexual.
During the ceremony, I think all the smiling, winking, smirking nonsense everyone is going on about is nothing more than the awkwardness of the formal occasion. I myself have experienced such things. For example, you're in front of a large crowd during a ceremony that is supposed to be formal with some of your friends and you secretly smirk at each other and almost burst out laughing because you're trying to be so formal. Besides the fact that everyone is obviously deliriously happy with the detruction of the death star, it is only natural that they would be smiling. Anyone would. I'd also like to point out tht she casts one of her smiles at R2-D2...which further leads me to believe that they aren't some sort of sexual "Wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more."
I only wanted to throw in my opinion. I actaully found this quite by accident and decided to see for myself.
Posted by
Boushh |
3:20 PM
I think they've all slept together, but now she kind of regrets it.
Posted by
Autumn |
3:42 PM
Here's the final scene on Youtube to link to:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KdRnEaa5yJk
Posted by
Victoria |
8:43 AM
nice post
Posted by
website design New York City |
5:24 AM
thanks ur information
Small business
website design Small business web site design small business web designer
Posted by
seo expert |
5:24 AM
Youth is not wow gold a time of life;world of warcraft gold it is a state of mind; cheap wow gold it is not a Maple Story Accounts matter of rosy cheeks, red lips and supple knees;mesos it is a matter of the will, a quality of the imagination,wow gold kaufen a vigor of the emotions; it is the freshness wow geld of the deep springs of life.maple story mesos Youth means a tempera-mental predominance of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease. This often exists in a man of 60 more than a boy of 20.wow gold farmen Nobody grows old merely by a number of years.maple story money We grow old by deserting our ideals.ms mesos Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. Worry, fear, self-distrust bows the heart and turns the spring back to dust. Whether 60 or 16, there is in every human being’wow powerleveling s heart the lure of wonder, the unfailing childlike appetite of what’s maple story money next and the joy of the game of living.powerlevel In the center of your heart and my heart there is a wireless station: so long as it receives messages maplestory powerleveling of beauty, hope, cheer,world of warcraft power leveling courage and power from men and from the Infinite
Posted by
gfutfy |
10:28 PM